Tuesday, March 4, 2014

running away or running to

    All my life I have dreamed of running away. So many  things I want to leave behind, mainly my personality as it has hurt so many people. I dream of finding  a place where I can live by myself and that who I am will not hurt others.  But  I want to still  be able to help make the world  a better place .  Oh well ,the creator so far has said no. No you can not run from your self . In stead keep trying to learn to improve  who you are.  But if stuborness  is one of your  personality  flaws  along  with  a big mouth then I am sorry dear creator I seemd doomed!?
    Life is like school that is why  we are here. Fail a lesson and  move 2 classes back, For almost 56 years I have been in that  school . I fail a lot and learn little. We are all in that school . The creator knows we need breaks and so gives us some joy breaks from time to time.   I was given  the best one with Mark  for  12 very special years. I did not deserve a whole 12 years  of  that kind of joy but was given it !!!! I chersh those years dearly and thank the creator  for them!  I have also been given the gift of  being able to create, living in the USA Some of the best pets and a few VERY amazing  loving  people who  have come into my life. They have and do  love me in spite of my huge flaws. Bless you dear ones. I am sorry my fears keep me at a distance all to often .
   But School has  been  back in session  since Mark has died . 10 long years . It has been more advanced schooling, as I am older .The past several years I have been  given hard test, This year the lessons and test   were beyond my ablity  to even understand and  I have sadly failed and fallen in the worst  way, much has been lost of me and  very   I have been badly  damaged. Much regression and sadly  the gifts Mark gave me  of self confidence have been  lost and replaced with deep insecurity, doubts and fears.  I have fallen  backwards  and landed very hard. The pain has been horrilbe . I count very few days that   I can  make it through  without tears.  But I am gratful for the  state of AZ  offering me  free  medical care  and a very good team of professionls guiding and watching me make baby steps as I try to move forward  and  try to believe that  someday I might be able   to face the world again with out freezing  in fear and lack of trust.   As Betty Davis said "old age is not for sissies".
   But as I said the creator  does  give Joy and hope . This year even in my  pain,  I have been given things to feel joyful for  and so this turns me back to  those loving friends. One of those is  Lynda !!! Words cannot describe her heart . She  is moving to Ecuador. As we talked of the move  I told her how all I dreamed of was a tiny travel trailer to live in ,but had no money.  She says ..."Oh I have one you can have, it has a kitty in it too.
I  said YES and took them both with tears of joy.
The Kitty " Grayson" had been dumped by a family after the 90 year old  owner    grandmother / mother died . Lynda saved it from being put down . Lynda has spent her life saving and working  with animals .I love her for this deeply .Now Grayson too is safe just like little Dixie  whom I rescued 3 days ago.
The trailer !!!!!  It is  a 13 foot Aristocrat that needs work. We first dug it out of the  dirt that  it had sunk into for 10 years . That  took 3 hours . Then added new  tires and hauled it home. Next comes  all new sealing . removing 600 outside screws from the  trim and  adding new sealing  tape then putting the  trim back  on and the new screws back . Then comes  new inside and outside paint and  a DEEP  cleaning . New window screens, new door locks,  new cushions , curtains , a porta potty room,a  fresh water tank and fauct  and I am set to go.  Extras may be  added such as  heat and ac with a  solar  panel  for hot water. if  money  is provided or course . The best part ...... drum roll please ........It has aqua appliances...    :)  I hope  my  pets and I will be happy  and can heal in it as we travel around  the  country  doing  vendor shows and teaching art as this is a love of mine and a way of giving back . I get so much from  watching those  in class "play"  learn and give them self a  day or more off to just create  . Thanks to all who come to my  classes . Please take a look at  this  years line up on the  left side panel . As art saves lives .This I believe with all my heart . When ever in my life I have lost all I seem to  have or know  art is  always   there ready to embrace me in its forgetful  mindlessness. doing the  bliss  of creating. I thank you lord so much that you gave me this gift  and that you gave me  the love  to share it with others SOOOO..... .  The next event  I am doing is GLITTERFEST  in Anaheim CA  and event for the  romantic girl  in you !!!

                                            Grayson giving  me winky eyes of love.


John said...

Julie I had a tear in my eye reading this post. Having followed your blog for sometime now I am confused, your image of yourself bears no relation to the loving person who shares her love and her gifts with others. Loving her pets, taking in strays...... We all have faults, we add strength to them when we allow them to reduce our self esteem. Just know that you are a beautiful, unique spirit in the process of life.

Rusty Bucket Designs said...

Julie, I can not tell how long ago you wrote your last post, but I hope my comments find you in better spirits. Although I only met you once, I feel like I know you - though your wonderful art and blog posts. I am so sorry you have found a need for soul searching and life circumstances have placed a burden on you. All I can say is, last year when we decided to go on a holiday with our motorcycles to Arizona, Bisbee was the one place I wanted to go - to see your shop and hopefully meet you - and I got that chance. I can not tell you what a thrill it was to get to do just that - it was perfect. Your shop is so cool and you generously shared your expertise while I shopped for perfect embellishments. All the best to you Julie, I agree with the previous poster - anyone with such a huge heart, a generous spirit, a fashionesta, a wonderful artist and a lover/savior to animals can absolutely not be a bad person. Chin up girl, the best will come - and maybe on your journey in that funky trailer!! terry from canada

Jamie said...

I love your trailer and I can't wait to see what you've done with it. If you are ever headed to Montana, let me know. I dream of having a trailer to travel around in - and do my artsy stuff! I also hope to take one of your classes soon. Jamie V

Linda Martin said...

Julie, I am new to your blog and am struck by the magic in every entry. When I got to this one - I was shocked to see that someone else in the world has been dreaming of running away their entire life! It is still my dream at 62, to just get in my car and drive until I cannot go any further. I want to sell all (except by beloved craft supplies) and leave everything/one behind. It sounds so freeing but, I guess, the thing that has stopped me is that you cannot run away from yourself. Truthfully, we are OK and will keep putting one foot in front of the other, learning everyday how to make our way in life. Cheers to you in your continued journey.