All my life I have dreamed of running away. So many things I want to leave behind, mainly my personality as it has hurt so many people. I dream of finding a place where I can live by myself and that who I am will not hurt others. But I want to still be able to help make the world a better place . Oh well ,the creator so far has said no. No you can not run from your self . In stead keep trying to learn to improve who you are. But if stuborness is one of your personality flaws along with a big mouth then I am sorry dear creator I seemd doomed!?
Life is like school that is why we are here. Fail a lesson and move 2 classes back, For almost 56 years I have been in that school . I fail a lot and learn little. We are all in that school . The creator knows we need breaks and so gives us some joy breaks from time to time. I was given the best one with Mark for 12 very special years. I did not deserve a whole 12 years of that kind of joy but was given it !!!! I chersh those years dearly and thank the creator for them! I have also been given the gift of being able to create, living in the USA Some of the best pets and a few VERY amazing loving people who have come into my life. They have and do love me in spite of my huge flaws. Bless you dear ones. I am sorry my fears keep me at a distance all to often .
But School has been back in session since Mark has died . 10 long years . It has been more advanced schooling, as I am older .The past several years I have been given hard test, This year the lessons and test were beyond my ablity to even understand and I have sadly failed and fallen in the worst way, much has been lost of me and very I have been badly damaged. Much regression and sadly the gifts Mark gave me of self confidence have been lost and replaced with deep insecurity, doubts and fears. I have fallen backwards and landed very hard. The pain has been horrilbe . I count very few days that I can make it through without tears. But I am gratful for the state of AZ offering me free medical care and a very good team of professionls guiding and watching me make baby steps as I try to move forward and try to believe that someday I might be able to face the world again with out freezing in fear and lack of trust. As Betty Davis said "old age is not for sissies".
But as I said the creator does give Joy and hope . This year even in my pain, I have been given things to feel joyful for and so this turns me back to those loving friends. One of those is Lynda !!! Words cannot describe her heart . She is moving to Ecuador. As we talked of the move I told her how all I dreamed of was a tiny travel trailer to live in ,but had no money. She says ..."Oh I have one you can have, it has a kitty in it too.
I said YES and took them both with tears of joy.
The Kitty " Grayson" had been dumped by a family after the 90 year old owner grandmother / mother died . Lynda saved it from being put down . Lynda has spent her life saving and working with animals .I love her for this deeply .Now Grayson too is safe just like little Dixie whom I rescued 3 days ago.
The trailer !!!!! It is a 13 foot Aristocrat that needs work. We first dug it out of the dirt that it had sunk into for 10 years . That took 3 hours . Then added new tires and hauled it home. Next comes all new sealing . removing 600 outside screws from the trim and adding new sealing tape then putting the trim back on and the new screws back . Then comes new inside and outside paint and a DEEP cleaning . New window screens, new door locks, new cushions , curtains , a porta potty room,a fresh water tank and fauct and I am set to go. Extras may be added such as heat and ac with a solar panel for hot water. if money is provided or course . The best part ...... drum roll please ........It has aqua appliances... :) I hope my pets and I will be happy and can heal in it as we travel around the country doing vendor shows and teaching art as this is a love of mine and a way of giving back . I get so much from watching those in class "play" learn and give them self a day or more off to just create . Thanks to all who come to my classes . Please take a look at this years line up on the left side panel . As art saves lives .This I believe with all my heart . When ever in my life I have lost all I seem to have or know art is always there ready to embrace me in its forgetful mindlessness. doing the bliss of creating. I thank you lord so much that you gave me this gift and that you gave me the love to share it with others SOOOO..... . The next event I am doing is GLITTERFEST
in Anaheim CA and event for the romantic girl in you !!!
Grayson giving me winky eyes of love.